Finding Yourself

 We gals have all led lives that were and are filled with giving and caring. When my husband died in 2011 after 11 years of Alzheimers, I rattled around in our big house just wondering what I was supposed to do next. It was very unsettling. 

I'd been a wife, a mother, a caregiver, a caretaker, a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker... Whoops got off on a nursery rhyme tangent there! But, you get the picture. 

I did not know who I was supposed to be. Some months of therapy helped. Then I started reading self-discovery books. The ones that helped the most were "The Artist's Way" and 'The Original me". 

It's been quite a journey and one I would not have missed for anything! Every day, through every new door opening to me I became more aware of who I was as a person. The real me!! and I am still seeking and searching for new and exciting facets of my life. 

I am ticked that all this happened so late in my life. But, there is a time and place for everything under the sun. And, this was my time. 

I hope you girls will start on your own journey to becoming your authentic self. You just might be surprised at what lies deep inside of you.

On A Journey of Self-Discovery

 Personally I have never been a fan of  'long-winded' blog posts. And, here I am doing one. But, please bear with me. This is just on my heart to share this with you all.

I was a shy, awkward country girl who never seem to fit in at school, no friends near where I lived. My self-esteem was pretty low. 

By the time I was 17 I was a new bride, a new mom at 18. And, so I took on those roles of Mother and Wife when I was in my mid-teens. And, those are the roles I played for decades! With our busy life I had not time to concentrate on me.

When I was 65 my husband and I moved from Alabama to Virginia. A couple years into being in our new home I met a woman who fascinated me. She was into healthy eating, connecting with nature, mediation, yoga, self-discovery. That was so new to me and I wanted to know more. I've always been a curious sort and love to learn about new things. My talks with her were so enlightening. 

My first self-help book I ordered was 'Who Will Cry When I Die' by Robin Sharma. I quickly became a follower of his and I began to delve into who I really was. I felt that there was more to this individual walking around in my shoes than just wife and mother. By this time my kids were all grown and I was the full-time caregiver for my husband who had Alzheimers. 

Who was this person that my Mother had given birth to. I wanted to find out. So, I set out on a self-discovery journey of my own. 

I read lots of books, most of which were 'crap' (excuse the expression) but I have found a few that has opened my mind, my heart and my soul that made me dig down and bring up all those old fears, wounds, scars that I had shoved so deep inside me over the years. I began to discover a sense of peace, of calm, of truth and being authentic. Oh, I'm not there yet but I know more of who I was meant to be, of who I can be, of peace and happiness and just a sense of being alive than I have ever felt. 

Some of my problem was not knowing that we all are capable and should set boundaries for ourselves.  When I discovered that I could request ... no, demand.... boundaries, wow, that gave me such a sense of freedom to be me. I've learned to be more open to forgiveness, to even forgive myself and especially those who have hurt me. This life is too short to  hold those wounds as sacred evidences of past wrongs. 

I'm working hard on that low self-esteem and it is a work in progress. I've had a great life, I've done a ton of things in those years, but I feel like I wasn't worthy or good enough so it always felt like it was someone else who did all that stuff, who travels all those miles, who held weeping mothers in my arms in MADD, who served on committes, who wrote books, and painted and quilted and so much more. BTW... singing is not on that list. 

'The Artist's Way' is a favorite book, so is 'Original Me' and now I am reading 'The Awakening'. All exellent sources to guide us to a better place in our lives. I also really enjoyed 'Women Rowing North'.

I encourage you to find your own path, your own self. You may be wonderfully surprised. 

And, I end with this... With an open heart I embrace each and every one of my blogging buddies. You are such a blessing to me. Love you. 

A Bright, Beautiful Morning

 

And, how are all of you this beautiful Tuesday morning!

After a weekend of being down in the dumps, I feel fantastic. I don't know what it is about weekends but they are the pits for me. I hate that feeling. 

Something that always brightens your spirit is a new outfit or new make-up. I just went to the store and bought me some 'different' nail polish. What you think? In real life it's a little more lavendery than it looks here and I love it! Who would have guessed that? I've always worn red or pink. No time like the present for a change. 

I recently painted this watercolor. I posted it on facebook and my granddaughter immediately lay claim to it so I guess I'll pass this one along to her. It's a booster to have people want your work but it's almost like parting with part of you. That sounds weird but it's true. 

I did this one recently, just messing around one day with my paints. I still am having trouble with doing faces but they say practice makes perfect. Geez, I wonder how long I'll have to practice. haha. 

I guess you can tell I don't have much news to share today. But, that's life.

You have a great day... and remember to be happy.

Happiness is priceless!

My Computer World

Yesterday I opened up the first segment of the classes by Martha Stewart on Masterclass (online) and had a good, fruitful hour. Look forward to the rest of her instructions. 

People either hate Martha or they love her. I am not sure where I fall in that category... maybe in-between. I do know that she works hard, is extremely motivated and successful. Boy, do I give her credit for that. 

I called Susan (she's the one who gave me Masterclass to begin with) and told her she needed to watch Martha's part. And, we got to talking about computers. Martha had said she was always very excited to try out new things and she had a computer by 1982. Computers weren't in general use at that time. 

So,  I told Susan that by 1989 I had walked into Radio Shack at the mall and walked out with a computer in my arms. I had heard about them but I had never even seen one. But, the clerk said it was what I needed to keep my genealogy straight so I was all in. 

I took it home, plugged it into the socket. It came on and I stared at it. I had no idea how to make it do anything!! I called my son, Michael, for tips for making that thing to perform for me. And, I haven't stopped since. 

Computers in those days were run by DOS, long before Windows came along. And, my printer was dot matrix (the paper ran through the machine by being fed on holes at the edges of the paper). Do you know... I still have some of that paper. 

The computer has been a constant companion for me. I wrote my first book, showed my great-grands how to play games, kept my genealogy up to date. I used to write emails to family,  started my hugemongous file of photographs I've taken. That machine provided me something to do while I kept watch on my husband who had Alzheimers. It kept me sane during the Covid epidemic. And, it has given me friends that I never would have even known about, much less learned to love. 

A lot of the people that live here in the apartment complex have never had computers. Now that they are older, they are missing out on having a connection to loved ones, friends, the world beyond. I think it is so sad. 

  In 2007 I got a big new computer desk. Still have it to this day!

Do you remember the first computer you got and how old you were or what year it was? I was 55 years old when I entered the world wide web and discovered how much I could learn and grow through it's opportunities. It's been a joy for sure. 

Fighting Again

                                           Yesterday was different!! 

I started my radiation treatments for my breast cancer. Didn't know what to expect, it's new ground I am walking on these days. 

My granddaughter brought me lunch then she drove me over to the hospital. It's only about 3 blocks away and I could have done it alone but it certainly was nice to have support. 

Having gone through chemo years ago, I have to say that this was totally different. Easy. Now, it might get harder as I go along but it will be nothing like what I went through before. I did that and I can do this!! 

We Are Never Too Old To Boogie

                                               From the book 'Status Report' by Judith Viorst

"Too old to dream.

Too old to flirt.

Too old to sit and dish the dirt.

Too old to drink,

Too old to pet.

Too old to boogie,

Not quite yet. "

I still have a lot of boogie left in me. 

Surgery is tomorrow. 

And, I plan on boogieing again very, very soon. 

picture: me dancing with my grandson  2018

picture: me dancing with my husband  1999

A New Year, A New Start and Caring Friends.

 

How can I ever express the feeling I had following my last post? 

I felt so surrounded by love, care and concern

and

I came away feeling like I had the best friends in the world!

and

I do! 

Thank you so much. 

I started my New Year with new ideas, new resolves and a new lease on life.

My blogging buddies are the best. 

Love you all

Peace

I ran across this meme and thought it was so prophetic. 

Having trouble with prayer continues to be a trial for me.

Oh, I thank Him, ask things of Him

but

I don't know how to just unburden myself. 

And, then there's Mediation. 

I was one cautious dude even thinking about Mediation. 

But, I found out that it did not have to be like it's protrayed so many times.

You know....

Sitting on the floor for hours, legs cross, humming some sort of mantra.

I found that Mediation in a simple form can soothe a ruffled emotion, an anger raging inside, a need to feel peace in the midst of life's trials (and Lord, there are so many)

I sit in my Mother's old rocker, close my eyes, listen to some very quiet 'meditation' music and just let myself be swallowed up by just being, feeling, not worrying, not thinking but letting God put a peace in my heart. 

 

Finding My Purpose As a Widow

 I'm a Blogger! Have been since 2007 and I enjoy it so much I can't imagine not doing it. 

Early on, I blogged/documented 'our journey through alzheimers'. It was a release for me as I was, at the time, caregiver for my husband who had Alzheimers. It served as a support group and we caregivers all went though our journeys together. I made some really good friends and had wonderful support. 

On our 60th wedding anniversary, a month before he passed away

After he passed away, I changed the name of the blog to Living On Main Street, 'cause I posted about what kind of life I was trying to live as a widow on Main Street. 

Those first years of grief I was one lost soul. I could not figure out who I was, what I was supposed to be doing, what my future held. But, I was determined to not waste one single moment being bitter, lazy or disinterested in life. 

And, first thing you know, people were telling me how much I inspired them with my determination, my attitude, the way I looked at things. So, I started a new blog Accidently Aging in an effort to share with others some words of encouragement, some hope, some fun. But, I get so off track and I'll have first one theme going, then another. I told you in my last post, consistency is not my main suit. 

The other day I picked up one of my notebooks and flipped through it. On it's pages I had been writing my thoughts on different subjects, most about growing older. So, I thought (there that hair-brain idea thing goes again) that from time to time I would share my thoughts with you. I sure hope it encourages someone who needs lifting up. Who needs someone who understands. 

I am a writer, a story-teller, a keeper of family history. I think that I forget that sometimes. I have a lot of stories to share, a lot of experiences, too. And, a lot of wisdom gleaned from 88 years of experiences, mistakes, and learning that I have had. Some people like to just scan through blog sites looking at pictures. Some like stories. I need to post what's in my heart, not what I think someone else wants me to, or to follow a trend. 

It's still going to be a hodge-podge of ideas, but I hope to in-corporate more of my feelings about this aging process we all are going through. Hope you are along for the ride. 

Stay tuned for The Next Hair-Brained Idea.

 Well, now that I am over my little hissy fit, I'll move on to bigger and brighter things. 

For those whom have known me for awhile, you know that I am not a very consistent person. I want to try it all so it makes me wear many hats, many faces. 

I think that is probably why my blog never had a lot of followers.

People may have a hard time figuring me out. 

I get these hair-brain ideas and I go in that direction and then along comes another hair-brain idea and I am off in another direction.

At least, I hope I keep things interesting. 

Stay tuned. 

Changes In The Air.... I meant, Hair.

 I knew that one day I would do something I had been resisting for years. That day finally arrived late last fall.

                                   I ran out of hair color 
                                  
and I did NOT run to the store to buy more. Nope, Done with that! 

                  Do you know what a liberating feeling that is? 

I knew my hair wasn't brown anymore. Others knew my hair wasn't naturally brown. 
                              
                                 Who was I kidding anyway? 

                                                     Nobody

It's been quite a journey. Every month when I'd go to the beauty salon I would anxiously watch to see how much brown color the hairdresser would cut off. Little by little it went. I still have some of the color lingering on but I like those brown highlights. Hope I can keep them. 

               So, tell me. What do you think of my decision?

   The Before                                         The After

I mean, there comes a time in one's life when you just have to decide to do what you want to. We women often don't ... I think we are too concerned about looks, how other people think about us, our lack of self worth. But, we women have strength. We have power. 

                                               We ROCK! 

2002 - A Year of Trials and Inspiration

                                                 Pardon me while I get a little nostalgic today...

In an effort to date some pictures (well, a lot of pictures) that I had been too lazy to date over the years, I dragged out my journals to see if I could figure out dates for certain pictures were taken and so forth and so on. 

                                                    This morning I was doing the year 2002.

                                            
I was told I had colon cancer. As I read all those journal entries it just brings back all the pain, uncertainty and the anger. Man, I was one angry dude. How dare this happen to me!!!!

So, I have read through all the pages about my prep for the surgery and that gallon of 'go lightly' that I had to drink the night before. Of the brain fog and weakness for weeks and then came the chemo! 

All this while also dealing with a husband in the early stages of Alzheimers. I'm not telling you this for any reason other than to let you know that by the grace of God and my own anger and strength that I found out you can pretty much deal with anything and everything. 

And, as I turn the pages and read what I had written down for 2002, I came to the entry for June 9th. 

                                                              This is what I had written:

I'm enjoying every moment of every day. I know that what I've gone through and am going through has been worth it to have gained the heightened sense of awareness, of being alive, of making new levels of relationships with everyone. The rest of my life will be so magnified and enhanced.
It's Sunday morning. I'm up already before 7 and have peeked out at the bright, sunny, cool morning. I'm going to church this morning. That feels good!

And, then this came to my mind and I wrote it down, a sort of take on the "Now I lay me down prayer".

                                                        Now I lay me down to sleep
                                                    I pray, Dear Lord, my hand to take
                                                      and guide me to the break of day
                                                   So I can love and live and pray
                                                 And when the sun shall set once more,
                                                  The darkness overcome the light, 
                                                 I pray, Dear Lord, you'll take my hand
                                               And guide me with your wonderous might.

For those of you who are suffering pain, who are down in heart, mind, body and soul.... I tell you that with God's love and grace you can soar above it all and overcome.